~/about

I never know how to describe myself.

I'm an autistic urban hermit

I'm not great at compatmentalization or social things. It seems like people do an awful lot of both in these modern times. Together ev en.

I'm not sure how to deal with any of that.

If i'm going to do anything i'm going to fully immerse myself in it and BE that thing or integrate it completely into my life if that ma kes sense, or i'll decide it's a bad fit and move onto something else. I just don't have enough attention span to support more than a couple handful of th ings at any time and even those few things I find difficult to juggle sometimes.

I never really found the right balance, something's always got to make room if I ever want to add or change anything like that.

I grew up surrounded by nature, running off to play and explore in the woods whenever I could

I was a very sheltered child, so shy I would ignore direct questions posed to me by my classmates in school. EVERY GRADE, even and mayb e especially high school.

I've even been isolating myself digitally lately. Though it's in the hope I might evade my Abusers this time. Maybe it isn't necessary. Maybe they won't try and hunt me down for years to come, but that's how some of these narcissits operate: opportunists. If the option is there they won't be able to help themselves, so my only way is to remove as many of those options as I can, even if it means abandoning nearly every scrap of online identity I had a nd to start from scratch.

I go most days without speaking any words at all, or if I do it's "Thanks, have a nice day".

The amount of actual conversation I've had in the past 5 years wouldn't fill more than a page. I know no one and no one knows me.

It's just come to a point where ths risk outweighs even the possibility of reward for anything requiring trust. I always get betrayed and i'm not real great at conflict or protecting myself.

Except by building giant walls and defenses.

I am a systems engineer afterall. If it's not automated and self-sustaining requiring as little maintenance as possible; then I haven't done my job wel l enough.